When you're not good enough.

Confidence. 

It's one helluva thing that could make or break you. 

In the wrong hands, it can create chaos and destroy companies.

In the right hands, it could help you face life a little bit better. 

For the longest time, I believe that I was the shit - the big time star - in my life. And this false confidence bloomed when I went to an international school in Jakarta. Because when you are exposed to western culture, international education and a bunch of international teenagers filled with insecurities and ego, well you tend to up your own game by building your confidence and do your best to keep up.

I remember partying with hot girls, Indonesian hipsters and rockers, Korean wannabe gangsters, smoking up weed and dating sexy Indonesian girls. And the accumulation of these things made my confidence grew bigger and bigger until I returned to Malaysia to begin my Uni years. These experiences validated my false confidence - that I was not your average Malay.

But when life smacks you in the face with reality, all that confidence came crumbling down. 

Losing my dad to heart attack was something I didn't expect to happen in my life. 

I thought my life was gonna be smooth sailing. 

So I had to build my confidence back. Little by little. 

And to be a college dropout, the job prospects aren't really on my side. 

I had to work odd jobs before I got a chance to join advertising. 

In advertising, I had to gain an iron hide and build my confidence steadily. 

I've seen people who are confident as fuck in front of clients and bosses. But there's no substance and the person left the company to find other places that will buy into their bullshit. 

I've seen capable people who aren't confident at all. But they have so much to offer. 

My confidence level has always been on both spectrum - high and low. It has never stayed in one place and I'm glad. 

Because whenever my mistakes were picked up by my superiors, it will fuck me up inside. 

Whenever I see my glaring weaknesses, it will fuck me up even further. 

By right, I should just kill myself or give up whatever I am doing in advertising. Quit while I am ahead. 

Since everyone thinks I am not good enough, so why bother pushing myself. 

Thankfully I didn't do those things. 

Thankfully I had my wife, my siblings and my close friends around me. 

Thankfully I have a son, now. 

Whenever I feel that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not articulate enough, not fast enough and etc., I do one thing only - work hard until the word 'not' disappears. 

It's not easy. It shouldn't be easy. Because then there's no growth for you and your confidence level if it was easy.

When I get uncomfortable doing something then I'll make sure I'll get comfortable. 

When you feel you are not good enough, your confidence level drops. That's it. 

So work on yourself until you feel you are decent enough. Then you will see the difference in your confidence level. So simple. 

To my friends and family, and the readers, do know that you are not alone in this journey of life. Your confidence is like a fuel tank and you just need to refuel it. 

When you feel you're not good enough, that just means your confidence fuel tank is running low; that's all there is to it.