Forgive me for I have sinned

bismillahirahmannirrahim

I've done so many sins in the past.Some are light and some are heavy.Some will never see the daylight and some are unspeakable actions beyond common sense and law.

All these sins that I've done upon had reasons behind them and yet I still do it. I don't know whether it's the devil that tempted me or is it just an act of curiosity.
There are so many factors that surrounds it. But only god will know why.

Whenever I pass by memory lane, I would peek in the back alleys, and there I would see these creatures sitting by the wall just hanging out. Waiting.Wondering.Smiling as they light up a cigarettes and sipping on beer and liquor.They would see me and greet me but they would look aggresive whenever I ask them to disappear.

Why? Why so hostile?

Then I realized.
I notice that they didn't want to be there in the first place. They never intended to stick around and"lepak".They were there because I wanted them to stay there.I wanted them to stay until I can forgive myself. I used them so that I can remind myself not to do the same sins over and over again.

..I'm such a jackass..

How do cope with this? How do I cope with my sins?
Do I just ignore them?
Do I make peace with them?
Or do I do the unthinkable?

Sometimes, I dream that my phantoms keep getting bigger and bigger. Everytime I kill them. They come back stronger and more difficult to rid off. And at a times, I enjoy their company. I just let myself go and be in their gang.

Guilty Pleasures? Maybe. Only god knows I guess.

I need someone to save me.

I can't save myself because my hands are busy holding on to my sanity.